Big Love Stories

Just Really Sad

Some days begin and end like this, with a lot of this in between, too. Today was one of those days. And it wasn’t just Kai.  It was Leif, me…and maybe Dan, too.  Although, I’m pretty sure Dan didn’t cry.  He was just REALLY bummed when he got woken up at 7:30 on his sleep-in morning.  I was crying, oh yes.  On days like today, it’s just hard to keep it together.

On Super Sad Sunday’s like this one it is hard to remember that this challenging time WILL pass.  Kai really will sleep past five a.m. some day.  He won’t need to sit o my lap while he eats his cereal.  He won’t insist on drawing on Leif’s piece of paper (while Leif is trying to draw on it himself) while doing an art project.  He won’t walk around the house dumping baskets of toys when he is tired, he’ll just go lie down and chill out or take a nap.

Leif won’t always have so much drama about getting dressed to go somewhere any time before ten in the morning.  He won’t freak out about bananas in the pancakes.  He won’t worry so much about being the only boy in a pack of girls riding their bikes around the neighborhood.  He’ll stop squishing someone’s body into the couch when they are screaming at him to stop.

And me…well, I won’t always be this sleep deprived, for one.  In of itself that will make everything much better.  I won’t always be so grumpy when I get up in the morning (because I won’t always be so sleep deprived…).  I won’t always be picking up the same fifty little pieces of lego, playmobile, pretend food, truck parts, random craisin, smashed pretzel, and tinkertoy (and tinkertoy and tinkertoy and tinkertoy….) over and over throughout the day.  I imagine that some day I will be wishing my boys would act like they need me more, even if they really don’t.

This day is almost over.  The kids will be resting their minds and bodies in their cozy little beds very soon, as will I.  Before this happens, I insist on letting it all go. To take a moment of reflection and recognize that regardless of the prevailing sadness of this day, it was a day shared together.  We were nothing but ourselves today, completely, honestly, truly ourselves.  These are the days that test us as a family, they are the low notes that create the harmony for the high noted, super sweet and wonderfully melodic times we share.

With that in mind, let me leave you not with the image of Kai shedding his tears, but of some other, not-so-sad, images from today.  I am so filled with gratitude for the three boys who help me to practice breathing deeper & loving more each and every day.

Leif

Dan & Kai

one of those sweet moments

Beyond

(a poem by our dear friend, Jed)

If I am to have a goal, let it be that five in the morning is not too early to be inspired.     –JM

In between hooded eyes and the new day,
come dreams, and a dance.  The courtly men
and modern women who seek future’s desire here
are led instead to this, the independence of rhythm.

The beat of freedom carries with it
the contradiction of the creek, for in the rapid
convergences of water over rock, a body belongs
solely to wild movement; yet, it is in the stream’s
stilled eddies, beyond the whitewater, that travelers
gather together for the safety and tipped-over stories.
Along these banks, time is counted, but also lost,
to the sweep of the sun.

Lives will walk out of rivers,
and wake from morning dreams,
to greet goals and the children
they send to us to learn from.
For them, let us reach for
tomorrow with today’s bathing turtles,
snakes catching waves,
gorges and gravity,
and the pull to grace.