Big Love Stories

My last post was about some pretty special first things…the first days of school, starting school for the first time and starting first grade.  It was also about the rather wild and unruly behavior that often accompanies transitions around here.  I thought I had an understanding of what was going on, as well as the trust that it would soon pass. But little did I know, something much bigger was brewing.  It eventually erupted.  And then, we were enlightened…about a much more defining kind of first. Being born first.

Leif. Our first.

This is how it happened…

When a couple of weeks had passed since the first days of school and things continued to be pretty tough around here, I began to question my abilities as a mother.  You  know, really being down on myself and finding my mind going to the really ugly place where I ask myself questions along the lines of, “Where did Dan and I had go astray in raising our boys up to be kind, gentle, and compassionate good communicators (rather than the physically expressive, antagonistic, and bully-ish types)?” My practical self knows these are outrageous questions to be asking, as well as being totally negative.  My sons are six and three.  But, my emotional self just can’t help it sometimes.  So, here I am, asking other mamas if their sons are having a hard time too, reaching out to those I trust the most for reassurance and feedback, and then Leif finally cracked and out spilled the honest truth about it all.

It happened one night while putting the boys to bed.  Just as we always do.  Books, teeth, potty, snuggles.  It was the snuggles that shook Leif up.  He demanded, “Snuggles with Mama first!”  And then, of course, Kai demanded, “No, I get snuggles with Mama first!”.  And because Kai is three and still rather attached to his bedtime routine to settle him so that Dan and I can get OUT of the kids room with some time  left for ourselves in the evening, I conceded to Kai and snuggled him first.

Well…that was NOT okay with Leif, and here’s what he said (more or less), through sobs and tears: “Mom,  you love Kai more.  You always do things for him you don’t do for me.  You snuggle him longer.  You let him sleep in your bed.  You love him more than me, you always have. Mom, you snuggle Kai and then only hug me or pat my back, but you don’t snuggle me the same.  You don’t snuggle me first.  You love HIM more than you love ME, I know you do.”  He cried and cried and buried himself in my hair while he clung to me until he fell asleep.

Clearly, I don’t love Kai more. But many of the other things he said are true.  I DO snuggle Kai first, I DO do things for Kai that I don’t do for Leif (like put his shoes on or help him get dressed), I DO sometimes only hug Leif or rub his back after snuggling Kai…because I am tired from my day and just so ready for the adult portion of my evening.  I realized that the reasons why I do these things that I do exist in the rather adult-comprehending area of reasoning.  And then I just felt really filled with compassion for my oldest little son and thought…ouch.  That must really hurt.

As Leif calmed down and was drifting to sleep I hugged him close and kissed him a hundred times on each cheek and reminded him how much I love him.  I also asked him what he thought about some of the big kid things he gets to do, like walking to Neil’s house down the street all by himself, or riding his bike around the circle just with Ryan (our ten year old neighbor friend), or having sleepovers with his friends.  He smiled a little and admitted how much he liked being old enough to do these things. I told him I remember feeling the same way when I was little.  I remember well feeling that pull between the excitement and joy of being big and the desire and comfort to remain small.  And now, as a Mama, I think I can say with some assurance that feeling is called growing up, and it hurts sometimes.

So, even though being the first born IS the worst sometimes, there are times when it is the best.  Like when you get to go backpacking with Dad, just you and him, because your little brother isn’t old enough to go yet.

Dan and Leif at the top of John Rock, Pisgah National Forest

Shining Rock, as seen from John Rock

Leif, atop John Rock. Is he...contemplating the joys and sorrows of being the first born OR trying to pick all of the m & m's out of the trail mix?